There truly is a time and a season for everything. When someone is gone, you are grateful for the time you had with them. You are grateful for the periods of your life you were with them, and you grow to cherish that time. A period of our lives that people do not often cherish though, is a time to grieve.

Grieving is healthy and necessary. I feel though that grieving can bring many good things with it. For example, I feel that each time I grieve and feel that pain in my heart, it reminds me of how deep my love is for Parker. When I grieve, it is also a time when my heart and soul turn heavenward. It is a feeling that is so sincere and heartfelt, I truly cannot describe it. During those times I have received such meaningful and deep revelation to my heart's desires and questions, that I have grown to be thankful for the pain. I have been thankful for the blessing to grieve. I feel that having a time to grieve, and being able to grieve is a gift from God, and is something that blesses our lives.

I'm very religious- just as a disclaimer. I'm LDS, and I feel that as I started to look (especially in the early history of my church), I saw a theme of how grief, and a period of sorrow, blesses the lives of those in pain because of the insight and revelation they receive.

There was a time when Joseph Smith was so anguished over what happened to his people (rapes, murders, pillaging), that he sunk into despair and grieved. He prayed to God, and received what could be deemed as one of the most beautiful revelations of scripture of comfort and protection.

Another time, there was a prophet named Joseph Fielding Smith, who following the death of his son in law and daughter, was grieving for their loss and when thinking about those who had passed on, received some of the most clear and valuable revelations about life after death. This revelation is the foundation of my, and millions of other people's understanding of life after death.

Another time with Joseph Smith, his friend King Follet passed away, and at his funeral when Joseph was preaching he gave one of the most pure sermons speaking of the origin of God, man, and our spirits.

The loss of children lead to Joseph Smith's revelations on the salvation of little children. Joseph's grief and concern for his brother Alvin's well-being in the afterlife lead to the revelation and restoration of sacred temple ordinances.

Essentially, my whole religion is built upon other's griefs, sorrows and trials, and subsequent revelations.

 There is a pattern that I just think is very interesting. A person can be humbled, or brought down to sorrow due to a death of a loved one. At this time, their hearts will turn towards the Lord, and when they inquire in faith they can receive incredible, life-changing revelation.

For myself, I know that this is true. I felt such deep grief, and when I turned to the Savior I personally felt such incredible love and honestly, redemption. Redemption from my soul-tearing pain, redemption from myself, my own inadequacies, redemption from the hard things of this life.

I truly have come to be grateful for this time of grief in my life, and what it has given me the chance to learn. I know that it is something that while hard, grief has blessed my life.

Gah. Fine, I'm doing it.

I've wanted to do this so many times.

I've felt like I should do this countless times.

Why haven't I?

Well, who wants to talk about pain. Who wants to share something that can sometimes make them just cry uncontrollably. Tears silently slide down cheeks for what feels like hours.

Have you ever had chapped cheekbones because you've been crying so much? It's the worst- especially if you continue to cry. It's like in addition to all of your raw emotional pain you now have this painful physical annoyance that makes you just a bit more distressed.

Who wants to go from feeling fine some days, almost feeling like you don't have a care in the world, to bringing up a topic that makes you feel as hollow as a steel drum. Inside it's walls is a deafening silence that is hollow, yet fills the space.

Sometimes when I think about it, I forget to breathe. Which then cues trying to catch your breath, and when you crying it just leads to hyperventilating. Bleh.

When I was little, my mom tells me I was a bit of a drama queen. I would cry at everything. I don't remember when I changed, but there was a time when I made an association that crying is weakness, and weakness is bad.

When Parker died in Feb 2013, I tried to hold it all together. It lasted for a little while, and then I grieved a bit in private, and felt a smidge of resolution. Then four months later I went on my LDS mission, and didn't want to be "that sister", the weak one, the problem child. So I tried to hold it together. I can think of four occasions during that year and a half when I slipped and broke down. During that time I just tried to simply not think of the pain. I could think and speak of the event, but just separated my feelings from it. I wrapped them up and placed them inside of me, always there, always felt, but covered up.

That phrase, "holding it together" is such an interesting one. When Parker died, I was just in shock. I think about after four or five days, I felt as if parts of my soul broke off into pieces. It's as if before my soul was within my whole being, but afterwards there were these large cracks, and some parts even felt as is the fell off. I physically felt it. I physically felt broken. Even now I can remember where each specific piece and each crack were.

The only way my soul was put back into place was through deep and honest prayer. Gosh, geez, here comes the tears, again. Twice now. Even just thinking back to that time after Parker died when I was praying brings back a few tears of pain. I prayed so earnestly, truly with my whole heart and soul. I talked to God like he was right there, telling him about the pain I felt. I asked him to help me, or to kill me right then because I couldn't stand it. I couldn't take the soul splitting pain. For some reason I never asked why or why now, I just couldn't take it. Not having Parker around, and having him leave so suddenly brings me a lot of pain to think about- even now.

My soul was healed, and like I said, it was through deep and honest prayer to God. After one specific time I felt such warmth, peace, and pieces were placed back together so that they were touching. They would still need to mend, but at least I was whole again.

Even though I felt and received healing from God, I still had to grieve. I still have yet to grieve. It's odd how these two pains are different, but they are. You can be at peace, but still need to grieve.

Now, it's been just over two and a half years since I've seen Parker. Two years since I would sneak up and hug him from behind, from hearing his stories, from texting him "Ich liebe dich". In that time, I've done a lot, learned a few lessons, and there is one issue that I regret. I wish I had been more open to those around me as to how I was feeling at the time. I can only think of.... 1, 2, 3.... times in the past two and a half years when I was open with another about the depth of my pain, while I was in pain. I can now look back and see how it could have benefitted many situations, and also realizing that sometimes people are helped by it. I have had people, sometimes even strangers come up to me and talk to me about my blog. Huh. Funny isn't it? For some reason by reading about another's pain, it can be therapeutic and calm or settle our own internal trials. Maybe it's knowing that someone else is there and can know of a type what we are going through. No one wants to be alone.

So that is why now, I'm going to be posting about grief.  It will be about experiences I have had, or am currently enduring. It also will be about certain things I have had the opportunity to learn or go through during this process. I will post when I emotionally can, and I will post as frequently as I can.

It has been a little over three months since Parker has passed away. It has been full of sadness and grief; even as I write this I have tears streaming down my face because of how acutely I feel his loss.

Yet in a strange way, this feeling loss can be a blessing. To me it is a witness of my love for him.  I never quite realized how much I loved Parker. We would always say, "I love you" when one of us would leave the house or at the end of our telephone calls, and I knew I meant it. I just did not realize how much. I had never quite realized the depth of love.

I have come to realize that love is deeply rooted within your soul. It runs through your veins and wraps itself around your heart. A physical manifestation of your love is how it blossoms into words and actions. When tenderly cultivated, love turns into something very beautiful; one could even say a work of art. Yet when that person whom you love is gone, there is no use for the flowers anymore. Some tenderly fall, like the tears upon your cheeks. Most are blown away by the bitterness of loss. Loss is the harshest wind of all. As it howls through the branches, it agitates your entire being. It rents your heart into jagged, uneven pieces, and your soul is disturbed. You know you will never be the same. That moment is when you realize the depth of love. The wind is constantly blowing. You do not know if it will ever stop. It probably will not. However even though your love does not blossom anymore, you still can recognize the beauty of what remains, and treasure the memories of the time when it was filled with flowers.




 
I find great comfort in the following verse and I know that this promise is true. What a blessing to have this knowledge in our lives.
Behold, I am the ^alaw, and the ^blight. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall ^clive; for unto him that ^dendureth to the end will I give eternal life. --3 Nephi 15: 9

I hope you all have a great Sunday.

As I have gone through this trial of losing Parker, I have become so much more aware of the Lord's hand in our lives. It has humbled me beyond what I thought was possible- or I admit, needed. Before this trial, I knew that the Lord was a major part of my life but now I know that He is my everything. He is my all. I rely upon him. He gives me strength. He sits through my anger. He picks me up when I collapse from exhaustion. He even gives me the sense to not punch the wall, even though for some reason at the moment it seems like the most logical thing to do. Most importantly, He reassures me that Parker knows that I love him.


Parker's passing in itself is a testimony to me of the Lord's will and mercy. When you think of the timeline of Parker's decline, it all happened within a week. He got the flu on Sunday, went to the hospital on Thursday, and then was gone early Saturday morning. It seemed like everything that could possibly happen to him, did. The doctors had no explanation but assured us that there was nothing we could have done. He was getting the best care in the world at Primary Children's Hospital, and he still passed away. There is no logical reason as to why this happened. The only conclusion I can come to is that it was the Lord's will.  However, I can also see that it was not the Lord's will for Parker to go suddenly (relatively speaking of course). Parker did have some small miracles along the way that lengthened his time here. That is where I witness the Lord's merciful and loving hand. I think this extension of his time here was so we could say goodbye.


On Friday night, our family made plans for the evening.  Some people needed to decompress and go home to help cope with the situation, and my mom was going to stay here with Parker. My dad asked me if I was to stay or go.
It was the strangest thing- as soon as that possibility of leaving entered my mind, I heard, "No. You know what you want to do".

 
I just knew that I needed to be the person to stay there with my mom. I explained myself, said goodbye to the rest of my family, and fortified myself to face the situation at hand.

My mother and I prepared to hunker down for the night. My mom was just exhausted, and luckily she was able to sleep on the bed that was provided. I looked at the chair, and thought, "Well, maaaaayyyybe I could get some sleep". I had not slept at all the night before, and so it was almost tempting. But again, the thought came to me, "No. You know what you want to do".

So, I scurried back into the PICU, and waited for an opportunity to be by Parker.

The nurse saw that I was there, and kindly told me where I could stand. He quickly went and got me a chair to sit on so I could still be at the same height as Parker, but be a smidgen more comfortable. I was really grateful, and it was calming to just sit there, hold his hand, stroke his arm, and let the tears slide down my cheeks. I wanted to sit there for the rest of the night, but I again had the feeling that time was running short. The same thought came to me, "You know what you want to do".

I really wanted to talk to him, but it felt kind of awkward since the nurses were so close by. So I looked at his face again, and all concerns just melted away. He looked like he had just fallen asleep on the couch after a movie. His hair had fallen across his forehead, and so I brushed it back, smiled to myself, and started to talk.

Once during my conversation, I caught one of the nurses looking at me with tears in her eyes. I smiled, and thought that it was sweet. Strangely seeing her reaction brought some sense of reality to my situation, and it helped.

After about an hour, the doctor came to do her rounds. I knew that I was in her way so I got up to leave. Before I left, I looked at his sweet face leaned over, and whispered, "I love you bud", followed by a kiss on the forehead.

Later when I got the bad news and the impression that the rest of my family needed to be here, I went to get my mother. We sat there outside of the PICU, clutching Kleenex and simply overcome with grief. Suddenly, we noticed that something was happening. The Kleenex had these weird clumps, and we literally had tufts of white fluff all over our faces. We started to laugh, and I think it was what we needed- a defective box of Kleenex to avert our thoughts for just a second or two. I think that it also reflected a bit of Parker's humor; I have no doubt that he was there, crying and laughing along with us.

Fifteen minutes later, the situation became more grim as something was wrong with one of Parker's tubes. The nurse came over to us and explained what was going on, but my poor mother barely squeeked out, "Just get him through till my husband gets here- he cannot go until they come".
That hour was the of the longest hour of my life. Every time someone rounded the corner, we both glanced over with anticipation that was met with disappointment, and followed by a glance to the clock. We wanted everyone else to be there, and fast! My mother and I did not want Parker to slip away while our family was en route.

Lucky for us, Parker waited. Some may look at the timing of his passing as chance, but I see the Lord's hand directly in these actions. Parker waited to go until everyone said their goodbyes. He could have gone on Thursday, or any time after the initial heart failure, but he did not go until after everyone had said their personal goodbyes, and all of our family was there.

The funeral service was beautiful. I am working on getting the audio file so that I can post it here and everyone will be able to listen to it. Our family has been surrounded by your support, and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Some of you may be wondering why I am writing another post, since Parker is gone.

Well, I know that I have had a few comments on here or the Facebook page asking for me to continue writing, and several people also asked me to do the same at the viewings. At first, I honestly could not think of what I could write about. I did not think that my situation was unique. As I go through this, I keep noticing how many other people are going through similar experiences. But then I thought of those who have not experienced loss. It will happen eventually since it is a part of life, but maybe if I share my findings and feelings, others may be prepared if the same happens to them. I have decided that I will share my experience of dealing with Parker's loss and how the Lord has helped strengthen me.

Some of you may not know this about me, but I have always wanted to serve a mission for the LDS Church. I have a very distinct memory of when I realized that girls could serve in this capacity.  I felt such a strong witness, even at such a young age, that I was meant to go. To my surprise, last year there was an announcement about lowering the age that young adults are eligible to go. Here is a link to the official press release: http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/church-lowers-age-requirement-for-missionary-service . When I heard this announcement, my heart was overjoyed! Suddenly my timeline of serving went from three years in the future, to six months! There was so much to do and prepare, so I wanted to start my papers as soon as I could.

In January I met with my bishop, 'opened' my papers (began the application process) and had all that I could filled out in the first two days. I was a bit excited. I made appointments for a dental and health exam, and it was a waiting game. There was a small hitch at the doctor's office, so I was planning on finishing everything up by the first Sunday of February.

I remember having a talk with my Bishop as he warned me that oftentimes when a missionary 'opens' up their papers, the Adversary seems to place obstacles in their path. He told me this so that I could be prepared and not caught off guard. My Bishop also told me that sometimes this is when Sisters meet someone and then have to decide between marriage or the mission. As he told this to me, I kind of chuckled and said, "Don't worry, I will be fine". My personal feelings towards potential relationships were dismissive because I knew that it would not keep me from serving, and I felt like yelling, "Bring it on!!" to any potential hurdles in my way. I was filled with such enthusiasm and I would go to any length to turn in my application as soon as I could.

Then, my world was turned upside down.

It is hard to grasp that Parker is gone. It has become hard to sleep and as a result my sleep schedule is way off. This certainly does not help my mental capacity to cope with this tragedy, and also the attention (while it is deeply appreciated) can be a bit exhausting. Adding to the mix is worrying about school since I took last week off, and then of course the biggest drain is missing Parker. 

I felt that I still wanted to go on a mission. I just was not sure about how it would affect my family. I didn't know if it would be too much for my parents to handle right now, or even if it was the right time. In my mind, the time frame for turning in my application rapidly changed from days to months. It seemed so overwhelming, and I did not know if I was emotionally ready. I always had the mindset of being happy wherever I get called, but suddenly I was debating on whether I would be comfortable being called outside of the country.

I then had the thought cross my mind of, "You know, I just should not even go at all".

That was a wake-up call. Within a month I have gone from an effervescent and social future missionary to a doubtful college student who just feels like staying home and sleeping all of the time. I did not know what was going on with me!

I then realized that this is it. This is my breaking point. Some future missionaries feel held back by potential relationships or their schooling; for me it is self-doubt. Now I am not suggesting that Parker's passing happened just because I was interested in serving a mission- I believe that the Lord took him at this time for reasons I do not know or understand. However while Parker's loss was orchestrated by the Lord, the Adversary was influencing my thoughts. He was trying to plant seeds of doubt in my mind of my ability to serve the Lord, and that I was not strong enough to grow from this. This is my weakness. The Adversary knew that I can overcome any other obstruction in my path as long as I was confident that this was the right thing, but what if my foundation was shaken? What if my faith in myself was lost, and I thought I could not handle it?

I have decided to fight back. This is my defining moment. I will not turn away from my Heavenly Father. I will power through this situation with an unshakable faith in Jesus Christ. I will try to emulate Christ's service towards others by serving an 18-month mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My primary motivation for serving has always been to bring others to Christ so that they may be with their families for eternity. Now more than ever, I commit myself to that goal so that others can experience the joy and peace that I find in the truth that the gospel teaches me. I will take this trial and make it into an experience that will allow me to empathize others, and I will not let Satan come into my mind and plant seeds of doubt.

I know that my Heavenly Father lives. I know that his son Jesus Christ also lives. He came to this earth to suffer for our sins that we may return to our Heavenly Father, and for that I am eternally grateful. Through his gospel I know that I am sealed to my younger brother for eternity. The next time I see him will be such a happy day. I can almost feel myself wrapping my arms around him, grasping him tightly and wanting to never let go.

On Friday night, I urged my mom to try to get some sleep in the bed that the hospital had provided, and I went and sat by Parker.

Well, this has all just been so fast. Time just seems to speed by here at the hospital. My siblings and I got up here around 2, and the others just barely left to go home with my dad- I will stay the night here with my mom.

My mind just seems to be in a jumbled mess so excuse me if this seems to be disorganized.

Well, here is what is going on.

Parker's staph infection is very serious. It is what is keeping him from improving. The doctors are flooding him with antibiotics to cure his other ailments but the infection is preventing them from working.

This is how the doctors think this whole fiasco happened. We know that the main issue here was the staff infection, but this was aggravated by the flu. Previously his body had been doing it's job in fighting off the staph infection, until the flu was added to the mix. His immune system was fighting a war against the virus of the flu, and the bacteria of the staph infection. With all of this strain, his body was eventually losing to the bacteria of the staff infection and he now went into Sepsis. Sepsis is the body's severe reaction to bacteria and other germs and results in an extreme inflammatory response. The thought is also that the linings of the walls in Parker's veins became weakened through all of this stress. There are natural and good bacteria that work for you inside of you digestive system for example, but they are meant to stay there. If not, then it causes havoc. What they think happened in Parker's case is that the veins became penetrable, and the bacteria went into the bloodstream, and it then went throughout his entire body, which explains all of the other issues he has.

Parker is has been sedated and does not know what is going on with him. The only thing that is keeping him alive is the lung and heart bypass. He cannot breathe on his own, and the only reason he is somewhat 'here' with us is these machines.

 The lung and heart bypass are doing- you guessed it- the normal job of the lungs and heart, while there is a sort of air compressor that is keeping the tissue of the lungs alive. The heart is pumping, but it's deteriorating. With how the lung and heart bypass is works, it goes through a femoral artery in his upper leg, and then goes up and does it's business to keep him alive. However since he is so big, his lower leg is not getting enough blood. Earlier we were worried that there was a clot, or that there was an infection in the lower leg, but for now it seems to be getting just enough blood to keep the tissue alive, but we will know more tomorrow. The best case scenario for his leg is that he will be just fine, but if it is causing a hindrance in his recovery, the doctors may have to amputate just below the knee.

The main thing is that Parker's life is on the line. Since he is not showing any improvement, it begs the question whether or not he will ever show improvement. Right now, the view is bleak. He is only being kept alive by these machines, and he is being kept sedated. What type of life is that for him? Parker needs to improve in order to stay alive. We are asking for a miracle. A huge miracle. We ask you to pray and fast for him at this time of need.  If he does not show any improvement by tomorrow around noon, it is likely that Parker will pass on. We are trying to stay optimistic, but it is a grim situation. It is becoming a very real situation that tomorrow, Parker will pass from this life onto the next.