It has been a little over three months since Parker has passed away. It has been full of sadness and grief; even as I write this I have tears streaming down my face because of how acutely I feel his loss.

Yet in a strange way, this feeling loss can be a blessing. To me it is a witness of my love for him.  I never quite realized how much I loved Parker. We would always say, "I love you" when one of us would leave the house or at the end of our telephone calls, and I knew I meant it. I just did not realize how much. I had never quite realized the depth of love.

I have come to realize that love is deeply rooted within your soul. It runs through your veins and wraps itself around your heart. A physical manifestation of your love is how it blossoms into words and actions. When tenderly cultivated, love turns into something very beautiful; one could even say a work of art. Yet when that person whom you love is gone, there is no use for the flowers anymore. Some tenderly fall, like the tears upon your cheeks. Most are blown away by the bitterness of loss. Loss is the harshest wind of all. As it howls through the branches, it agitates your entire being. It rents your heart into jagged, uneven pieces, and your soul is disturbed. You know you will never be the same. That moment is when you realize the depth of love. The wind is constantly blowing. You do not know if it will ever stop. It probably will not. However even though your love does not blossom anymore, you still can recognize the beauty of what remains, and treasure the memories of the time when it was filled with flowers.




 
I find great comfort in the following verse and I know that this promise is true. What a blessing to have this knowledge in our lives.
Behold, I am the ^alaw, and the ^blight. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall ^clive; for unto him that ^dendureth to the end will I give eternal life. --3 Nephi 15: 9

I hope you all have a great Sunday.

As I have gone through this trial of losing Parker, I have become so much more aware of the Lord's hand in our lives. It has humbled me beyond what I thought was possible- or I admit, needed. Before this trial, I knew that the Lord was a major part of my life but now I know that He is my everything. He is my all. I rely upon him. He gives me strength. He sits through my anger. He picks me up when I collapse from exhaustion. He even gives me the sense to not punch the wall, even though for some reason at the moment it seems like the most logical thing to do. Most importantly, He reassures me that Parker knows that I love him.


Parker's passing in itself is a testimony to me of the Lord's will and mercy. When you think of the timeline of Parker's decline, it all happened within a week. He got the flu on Sunday, went to the hospital on Thursday, and then was gone early Saturday morning. It seemed like everything that could possibly happen to him, did. The doctors had no explanation but assured us that there was nothing we could have done. He was getting the best care in the world at Primary Children's Hospital, and he still passed away. There is no logical reason as to why this happened. The only conclusion I can come to is that it was the Lord's will.  However, I can also see that it was not the Lord's will for Parker to go suddenly (relatively speaking of course). Parker did have some small miracles along the way that lengthened his time here. That is where I witness the Lord's merciful and loving hand. I think this extension of his time here was so we could say goodbye.


On Friday night, our family made plans for the evening.  Some people needed to decompress and go home to help cope with the situation, and my mom was going to stay here with Parker. My dad asked me if I was to stay or go.
It was the strangest thing- as soon as that possibility of leaving entered my mind, I heard, "No. You know what you want to do".

 
I just knew that I needed to be the person to stay there with my mom. I explained myself, said goodbye to the rest of my family, and fortified myself to face the situation at hand.

My mother and I prepared to hunker down for the night. My mom was just exhausted, and luckily she was able to sleep on the bed that was provided. I looked at the chair, and thought, "Well, maaaaayyyybe I could get some sleep". I had not slept at all the night before, and so it was almost tempting. But again, the thought came to me, "No. You know what you want to do".

So, I scurried back into the PICU, and waited for an opportunity to be by Parker.

The nurse saw that I was there, and kindly told me where I could stand. He quickly went and got me a chair to sit on so I could still be at the same height as Parker, but be a smidgen more comfortable. I was really grateful, and it was calming to just sit there, hold his hand, stroke his arm, and let the tears slide down my cheeks. I wanted to sit there for the rest of the night, but I again had the feeling that time was running short. The same thought came to me, "You know what you want to do".

I really wanted to talk to him, but it felt kind of awkward since the nurses were so close by. So I looked at his face again, and all concerns just melted away. He looked like he had just fallen asleep on the couch after a movie. His hair had fallen across his forehead, and so I brushed it back, smiled to myself, and started to talk.

Once during my conversation, I caught one of the nurses looking at me with tears in her eyes. I smiled, and thought that it was sweet. Strangely seeing her reaction brought some sense of reality to my situation, and it helped.

After about an hour, the doctor came to do her rounds. I knew that I was in her way so I got up to leave. Before I left, I looked at his sweet face leaned over, and whispered, "I love you bud", followed by a kiss on the forehead.

Later when I got the bad news and the impression that the rest of my family needed to be here, I went to get my mother. We sat there outside of the PICU, clutching Kleenex and simply overcome with grief. Suddenly, we noticed that something was happening. The Kleenex had these weird clumps, and we literally had tufts of white fluff all over our faces. We started to laugh, and I think it was what we needed- a defective box of Kleenex to avert our thoughts for just a second or two. I think that it also reflected a bit of Parker's humor; I have no doubt that he was there, crying and laughing along with us.

Fifteen minutes later, the situation became more grim as something was wrong with one of Parker's tubes. The nurse came over to us and explained what was going on, but my poor mother barely squeeked out, "Just get him through till my husband gets here- he cannot go until they come".
That hour was the of the longest hour of my life. Every time someone rounded the corner, we both glanced over with anticipation that was met with disappointment, and followed by a glance to the clock. We wanted everyone else to be there, and fast! My mother and I did not want Parker to slip away while our family was en route.

Lucky for us, Parker waited. Some may look at the timing of his passing as chance, but I see the Lord's hand directly in these actions. Parker waited to go until everyone said their goodbyes. He could have gone on Thursday, or any time after the initial heart failure, but he did not go until after everyone had said their personal goodbyes, and all of our family was there.

The funeral service was beautiful. I am working on getting the audio file so that I can post it here and everyone will be able to listen to it. Our family has been surrounded by your support, and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Some of you may be wondering why I am writing another post, since Parker is gone.

Well, I know that I have had a few comments on here or the Facebook page asking for me to continue writing, and several people also asked me to do the same at the viewings. At first, I honestly could not think of what I could write about. I did not think that my situation was unique. As I go through this, I keep noticing how many other people are going through similar experiences. But then I thought of those who have not experienced loss. It will happen eventually since it is a part of life, but maybe if I share my findings and feelings, others may be prepared if the same happens to them. I have decided that I will share my experience of dealing with Parker's loss and how the Lord has helped strengthen me.

Some of you may not know this about me, but I have always wanted to serve a mission for the LDS Church. I have a very distinct memory of when I realized that girls could serve in this capacity.  I felt such a strong witness, even at such a young age, that I was meant to go. To my surprise, last year there was an announcement about lowering the age that young adults are eligible to go. Here is a link to the official press release: http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/church-lowers-age-requirement-for-missionary-service . When I heard this announcement, my heart was overjoyed! Suddenly my timeline of serving went from three years in the future, to six months! There was so much to do and prepare, so I wanted to start my papers as soon as I could.

In January I met with my bishop, 'opened' my papers (began the application process) and had all that I could filled out in the first two days. I was a bit excited. I made appointments for a dental and health exam, and it was a waiting game. There was a small hitch at the doctor's office, so I was planning on finishing everything up by the first Sunday of February.

I remember having a talk with my Bishop as he warned me that oftentimes when a missionary 'opens' up their papers, the Adversary seems to place obstacles in their path. He told me this so that I could be prepared and not caught off guard. My Bishop also told me that sometimes this is when Sisters meet someone and then have to decide between marriage or the mission. As he told this to me, I kind of chuckled and said, "Don't worry, I will be fine". My personal feelings towards potential relationships were dismissive because I knew that it would not keep me from serving, and I felt like yelling, "Bring it on!!" to any potential hurdles in my way. I was filled with such enthusiasm and I would go to any length to turn in my application as soon as I could.

Then, my world was turned upside down.

It is hard to grasp that Parker is gone. It has become hard to sleep and as a result my sleep schedule is way off. This certainly does not help my mental capacity to cope with this tragedy, and also the attention (while it is deeply appreciated) can be a bit exhausting. Adding to the mix is worrying about school since I took last week off, and then of course the biggest drain is missing Parker. 

I felt that I still wanted to go on a mission. I just was not sure about how it would affect my family. I didn't know if it would be too much for my parents to handle right now, or even if it was the right time. In my mind, the time frame for turning in my application rapidly changed from days to months. It seemed so overwhelming, and I did not know if I was emotionally ready. I always had the mindset of being happy wherever I get called, but suddenly I was debating on whether I would be comfortable being called outside of the country.

I then had the thought cross my mind of, "You know, I just should not even go at all".

That was a wake-up call. Within a month I have gone from an effervescent and social future missionary to a doubtful college student who just feels like staying home and sleeping all of the time. I did not know what was going on with me!

I then realized that this is it. This is my breaking point. Some future missionaries feel held back by potential relationships or their schooling; for me it is self-doubt. Now I am not suggesting that Parker's passing happened just because I was interested in serving a mission- I believe that the Lord took him at this time for reasons I do not know or understand. However while Parker's loss was orchestrated by the Lord, the Adversary was influencing my thoughts. He was trying to plant seeds of doubt in my mind of my ability to serve the Lord, and that I was not strong enough to grow from this. This is my weakness. The Adversary knew that I can overcome any other obstruction in my path as long as I was confident that this was the right thing, but what if my foundation was shaken? What if my faith in myself was lost, and I thought I could not handle it?

I have decided to fight back. This is my defining moment. I will not turn away from my Heavenly Father. I will power through this situation with an unshakable faith in Jesus Christ. I will try to emulate Christ's service towards others by serving an 18-month mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My primary motivation for serving has always been to bring others to Christ so that they may be with their families for eternity. Now more than ever, I commit myself to that goal so that others can experience the joy and peace that I find in the truth that the gospel teaches me. I will take this trial and make it into an experience that will allow me to empathize others, and I will not let Satan come into my mind and plant seeds of doubt.

I know that my Heavenly Father lives. I know that his son Jesus Christ also lives. He came to this earth to suffer for our sins that we may return to our Heavenly Father, and for that I am eternally grateful. Through his gospel I know that I am sealed to my younger brother for eternity. The next time I see him will be such a happy day. I can almost feel myself wrapping my arms around him, grasping him tightly and wanting to never let go.

On Friday night, I urged my mom to try to get some sleep in the bed that the hospital had provided, and I went and sat by Parker.

Well, this has all just been so fast. Time just seems to speed by here at the hospital. My siblings and I got up here around 2, and the others just barely left to go home with my dad- I will stay the night here with my mom.

My mind just seems to be in a jumbled mess so excuse me if this seems to be disorganized.

Well, here is what is going on.

Parker's staph infection is very serious. It is what is keeping him from improving. The doctors are flooding him with antibiotics to cure his other ailments but the infection is preventing them from working.

This is how the doctors think this whole fiasco happened. We know that the main issue here was the staff infection, but this was aggravated by the flu. Previously his body had been doing it's job in fighting off the staph infection, until the flu was added to the mix. His immune system was fighting a war against the virus of the flu, and the bacteria of the staph infection. With all of this strain, his body was eventually losing to the bacteria of the staff infection and he now went into Sepsis. Sepsis is the body's severe reaction to bacteria and other germs and results in an extreme inflammatory response. The thought is also that the linings of the walls in Parker's veins became weakened through all of this stress. There are natural and good bacteria that work for you inside of you digestive system for example, but they are meant to stay there. If not, then it causes havoc. What they think happened in Parker's case is that the veins became penetrable, and the bacteria went into the bloodstream, and it then went throughout his entire body, which explains all of the other issues he has.

Parker is has been sedated and does not know what is going on with him. The only thing that is keeping him alive is the lung and heart bypass. He cannot breathe on his own, and the only reason he is somewhat 'here' with us is these machines.

 The lung and heart bypass are doing- you guessed it- the normal job of the lungs and heart, while there is a sort of air compressor that is keeping the tissue of the lungs alive. The heart is pumping, but it's deteriorating. With how the lung and heart bypass is works, it goes through a femoral artery in his upper leg, and then goes up and does it's business to keep him alive. However since he is so big, his lower leg is not getting enough blood. Earlier we were worried that there was a clot, or that there was an infection in the lower leg, but for now it seems to be getting just enough blood to keep the tissue alive, but we will know more tomorrow. The best case scenario for his leg is that he will be just fine, but if it is causing a hindrance in his recovery, the doctors may have to amputate just below the knee.

The main thing is that Parker's life is on the line. Since he is not showing any improvement, it begs the question whether or not he will ever show improvement. Right now, the view is bleak. He is only being kept alive by these machines, and he is being kept sedated. What type of life is that for him? Parker needs to improve in order to stay alive. We are asking for a miracle. A huge miracle. We ask you to pray and fast for him at this time of need.  If he does not show any improvement by tomorrow around noon, it is likely that Parker will pass on. We are trying to stay optimistic, but it is a grim situation. It is becoming a very real situation that tomorrow, Parker will pass from this life onto the next.

Everyone- we need you help. Pray, fast, whatever you can do to plead to your God to beg for Parker's life. If he is not better by tomorrow, he will pass away. Please, please help!

Well, it is our first update of the day.

Parker was on life-support the whole night, and at at the same place he was yesterday- which long story short, he is getting worse. The doctors say that the main issue is that while he is the same, he should be beating back the infections, viruses and bacteria by now. For some reason his body is not responding and fighting back. They think they may know the reason why- one of the tests came back positive for a staph infection.

The running total: he has Influenza A, Pneumonia, four life-threatening lung infections, has been in Cardiac Arrest twice, and a HUGE staph infection.

The doctors say that they have never seen the body under attack like this before. We really need your prayers for Parker right now. We will have more definite answers tonight after they have performed more tests.

We are going to head up to the hospital in the afternoon.


Here is a picture of all of us at Provo Falls from two years ago for those that have not seen us for a while. Trust me, Parker and Sterling are a lot taller now, but we are pretty much the same.


At this time we can just put our trust in the Lord and pray that the doctors can do the best that they can.

As I think about what has happened today, all that I can say is that the Lord is so aware of our lives. Parker's story is riddled with small, tender mercies that have been granted to us.

He went to the hospital at just the right time. If my parents had waited, and Parker had passed out at the house, it would have taken the ambulance 10 minutes to get here, and then ten minutes back. From the time that Parker collapsed, he only had ten minutes, or he was a goner.

The ambulance also did not have all of the things that Parker needed at the time. Even if the ambulance had been faster than usual, he would have died on the way to the hospital.

At the Utah Valley Hospital, they quickly realized that he needed to be at Primary Children's. They life-flighted him up there. Parker went into Cardiac Arrest as soon as he was hooked up to the machines. In the alternate scenario of surviving the ambulance ride, and living long enough to be life-flighted, he would have gone into Cardiac Arrest on the flight, and he could have died.

There are many more small miracles that we realize in this trial. While what Parker is going through is life-threatening, this mercies have been life-saving. To have gone through all of these life-saving miracles, one can only have faith that his life is meant to be saved and that he is meant to do something else in this life that will truly make a difference.

What a world we live in. What a blessing to be in the United States with our healthcare. What a blessing to be in Utah *yes, living here is actually a blessing ;) * There was a teen that was life-flighted to Primary Children's from Montana because of the quality of healthcare that is given there. How amazing that we live so close to this resource.

I cannot help but give thanks for these small miracles that we are experiencing.

This has been a question that many people have asked. Well, I have some solutions for you!

#1: Donate blood. Dead serious, this sounds kind of dorky and like, "But will he really benefit from it?" Trust me, he will. Asides from the numerous times today that his life has been saved today by little tender mercies given by Heavenly Father, Parker was saved through blood donors. He has gone through so many platelets today, and will soon need whole blood. Give, give, give! If some kind souls had not gone out of their ways to donate blood today, my.... little, baby brother would be gone. Who knows, your blood might end up to him or it could save the life of a little girl, or a little toddler. It is worth it, isn't it?
 
#2: Cards for Parker. My family is hoping for the best and that he will have a full recovery, but that will mean that he has a long road of rehabilitation ahead of him. When he wakes up, wouldn't it be just wonderful to have him open up his eyes to a lot of beautiful, colorful cards? He is a guy, so he might not appreciate flowers all that much, but I am sure that any cards with notes or even a joke (he loves to laugh) would brighten his day and during his recovery he can look through them and feel your love. So the question is: how do we get our cards to Parker? Well, the solution that we have planned right now is to just drop them off/mail them to 3015 Indian Hills Dr, Provo UT 84604. We will take them up on our daily trips to Primary Children's and try to brighten his day.

#3: Cards for Mom. My mother is the sweetest woman I know and I am so blessed to have her as my mom. This has been a lot for her- I mean imagine if one day your healthy, huge son was just joking around and dancing with his sister in the kitchen, and the next he is on death's door. Pretty scary and traumatizing. Please write cards for my mom- this will be better than calling her since she is so busy right now. In the upcoming weeks I am sure she would appreciate the calls, but it is just too much to handle right now. If you sent a card, it would be something to look at when she has time and it is also a physical reminder of your love. Also- you did not hear it from me... but she loves chocolate covered strawberries and Diet Coke.

#4: Anything else. Anything else that you guys would like to do, I am sure we would be more than up for it. Your prayers and fasts are very appreciated. Please don't forget Sterling in all of this- he is such a sweet heart and is naturally very caring. It is very hard to watch his older brother, teammate and best friend go through this trial. Even though he may seem old enough to handle it, (he is taller than me now, can you believe it?!) he is only in eighth grade. Please keep him in your thoughts.

My parents dropped off Hailey at school, and then took Parker into InstaCare. At this time Parker's skin was covered with red and while blotches, and his dark circles had evolved into purple isosceles triangles that extended from his eye to the middle of his cheek. This 6'1" boy, who had roughly weighed 200 lbs (of muscle let me tell ya) was now skin and bones. He was a skeleton of his former self.
Parker was leaning on my dad's arm for support while walking into InstaCare, but he collapsed as soon as they were in the lobby. As luck would have it, my dad knew one of of the doctors in InstaCare and he rushed over to help. He hurriedly told him that Parker needed to get to the ER, and fast!
My dad lifted him up *thank you genes for making my dad huge* and ran him over to the ER which was about 50 yards away. Once Parker was in there the doctors immediately performed 'life-saving procedures'. They inserted an oxygen tube down his lungs, and gave him Epinephrin. It soon became clear that he needed more help and that he would need to be life-flighted down to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City. My parents prepped him for the flight, and my dad gave him a priesthood blessing. The doctor that aided my dad with the blessing was- who would've known, another man with the last name of Allred! What a small world. Thank you Mr. Allred for being willing and worthy to hold the priesthood to help my father in giving Parker a blessing.

 Parker was then life-flighted to Primary Children's.
My parents were told that there was no way to beat the helicopter, so to make sure they are safe when driving up there (it is about a 45-50 min drive from Provo).

 As my parents were about to get on the freeway, they get a call.

"Hello, are you guys almost here?"
"No, just about to get on the freeway."
"Well.... When you get here, we need to see you in room 2***."

Needless to say, I am sure that that drive was the longest drive in my parent's lives.

They get to the hospital and get the news. Parker was stable when the life-flight landed, and it looked pretty good. The staff was able to hook him up to all of the machines in the hospital, but Parker went into Cardiac Arrest. It is just how it is in the TV shows and movies. There was rushing around, and they had to pump his chest to keep his heart going. He was in Cardiac Arrest for five minutes.

My dad figures that is when they called him and asked where he was.

Parker was doing alright when my parents got there, but he needed a way to get all of the carbon dioxide out of his blood so they hooked him up to a heart/lung bypass. His heart rate was a bit fast before they did this, which apparently was a good sign.

But Parker went into Cardiac Arrest again.
This time, it was only for three minutes.

Somewhere during this time, there was separate occasion of his heart, lungs, and kidneys failing, but I do not quite remember where. Just add it to the general chaos and grief of the situation.

After he had stabilized, Parker had to be put on Life Support. The doctors were able to perform a whole bunch of tests on poor Parker. On the X-ray of his chest, half of his lungs were white with Pneumonia.  He also tested positive for Influenza A, and four other bacterial infections with samples of cultures that were in his lungs. All of that was found from just his lungs. The miracle of modern medicine I tell ya.

We will have a somewhat solidified diagnosis tomorrow after 6 or so when the doctors have had more time to analyze the tissue samples.

My parents will stay with him as much as they can during the day, and switch off nights. My mom has the first watch tonight.

It has really bad cell reception on the floor that they are at, and also my parents are exhausted. If you have any questions, want to express wishes for good health or offers of service, I would ask you to please call/text me at 8016784775. It is a bit much for my parents to be there for Parker and fielding phone calls- even though they are made with the best of intentions.

As far as holding down the fort goes, I will be staying home for the foreseeable future and we are being well taken care of. My aunt lives really close and she has been such a service already, and Hailey's boyfriend is wonderful and gets us anything we need.

On Friday he was feeling a bit under the weather- had a headache, and not feeling his best. My mom guessed that it was the start of the flu- and wouldn't you know it? It was. On Sunday he had the common symptoms of the flu, and was just not doing too hot. My mom and I kind of joked that when Parker gets sick, it is not just a head cold or anything- he is as sick as a dog! He had a really bad fever, and my mom was constantly calling the hospital to make sure everything was normal. Turns out they have one nurse just to answer people's questions about their own/their child's flu symptoms. It came in pretty handy to help ease my mother's worrying. My mom had called me to let me know he was sick and to get a lot of sleep to fight off this potential virus.

Parker's fever was serious; he was delusional and was hallucinating. Somehow on late Tuesday night he got a hold of his phone. He texted me some pretty funny stuff.  His skin was bright red, as a result of the fever, and it was a sight to see. He was coughing up mucus, could not keep anything down, and it was pretty sad for us to see him in that state.

Thursday Morning came about, and it seemed like it was getting worse. Parker would wake up at 2 or 4 in the morning now since his sleep schedule was off, and so my dad went down and watched ESPN Sports Center with him. Parker's fever broke after a few hours, which was a relief to my parents. After they dropped of Sterling at school, he started to complain of a pain in his lower side. My dad, with all of his medical knowledge relating to his own sports injuries, guessed that it was his kidneys and decided that they needed to take him into the hospital.